63rd Republic Day etc

My last two-day train journey was on an Amtrak superliner from Chicago to LA. The only significant differences between that and the Chennai-Dehradun Express were the toilets, and the dining and observation cars. Otherwise, there were only surprising similarities. The old-worldness of railway employees, for example (I wrote then that I’d encountered a service ethic on American trains that was conspicuous by its absence elsewhere in the country). There’s also the fundamental way the railway system works and the esoteric language it works in. The station masters standing on the platforms of small stations with green flags. The fan-shaped signals. And many more, less tangible, entirely ineffable things.

The feeling of similarity may have been enhanced by the scenery outside the window. In the middle of India, just like in the American Mid-west, there were long stretches where the strongest impression was of the colossal size of the country. Acre upon acre of land as far as the eye could see, vast empty skies, rocks bigger than houses, lines of trees that never ended, tunnels and bridges beyond counting, lonely railway crossings in the middle of fields (though never unmanned crossings), lonely houses perched in places you wouldn’t think could be reached without a helicopter. Hours passed by where the only living things you saw were herd upon herd of cattle. Another major difference was that the cattle in Kansas did not generally wander along the tracks, nor were they quite so gaunt.

One thing in which the Indian train trumped the American for me, was being able to stand illegally at the open door. But this was tempered the farther North I travelled by the fact that the same spirit was responsible for the iniquities I saw outside. Travelling through Indian states that I’d never seen before, I didn’t have the luxury of just enjoying the scenery. What I noticed, in spite of not wanting to, was that the fields were small, people and livestock alike looked hungry and tired. There was no energy in the air, resignation was an overwhelming feature of the faces that passed. There’s enough land there to feed a billion people, but the bread bowl only had crumbs in it. Six decades after independence, the largest part of the country, the heart of our so-called agricultural economy, remained painfully poor. On my iPod, the little drummer boy chose that moment to become reconciled to his condition because his God was poor too, having been born in a manger. And I thought some bitter thoughts about religion being used by feudal lords and corrupt politicians to keep people down. (I was listening to carols since it was Christmas week, my playlist always having a seasonal aspect).

My previous train travel in India had essentially been through Tamil Nadu and Kerala, so the sense of deprivation was rather starker than it may have been otherwise. I saw no schools when we passed through towns, no women stood in the railway stations with bags and umbrellas, on their way to white collar jobs. There were very few women in general. It brought to mind that this was a part of the country that mostly mourned when a girl was born, and strengthened the conviction that education was as urgent a requirement as food. Everywhere, large groups of young men sat aimlessly by railway tracks in the middle of a weekday. Others were in the unreserved coach behind my insulated one, carrying dusty bags and seeking employment in the cities, which would probably consist of hauling furniture for people who travelled in air-conditioned sleeper cars. There were several people that leapt dangerously on after the train had pulled out of a station and then got off at random spots when the train stopped for a crossing. You could call them enterprising but they were merely desperate. I watched them walk away down unnamed embankments, onto strange roads, and felt that whatever became of them would be the future of the country, too.

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Perhaps only the reader knows…

One of the many wondrous trends spawned by the outsourcing industry is that of hiring indifferent writers and expecting excellent writing. As I look through the recruitment ads, I see more and more of them rating a mythical quality called “domain expertise” higher than writing skills. What they mean is specialization in something else; not a particular branch of writing but a whole other subject. One ad for a business writer wanted applicants with MBAs or degrees in economics. Why, for God’s sake? Professional writers should be able to take a brief from an expert – in any subject – and write it in the language of whatever human being the expert wants to reach. That’s the whole point of the craft.

Meanwhile, the world is increasingly littered with product literature stuffed full of acronyms, incomprehensible user manuals, crowded newsletters, convoluted training presentations, press releases shrouded in jargon and white papers that read like an engineer’s stream of consciousness.

I met someone at a dinner party recently who does research in DNA nanotechnology. She explained her work in some detail, then looked at me doubtfully and asked me to repeat what she’d said so she’d know whether she was making sense. I paraphrased it back to her and she was terribly impressed. I explained that that was my job and for the first time in our conversation stopped feeling awestruck and small. But here’s the important thing: she wanted to know why I didn’t do “science writing” because “we get people with science degrees doing it and our articles make no sense to anyone outside our little circle”.

You don’t need someone with a science degree to write about science, or an MBA to write about business. You need someone who takes the writing part seriously, who thinks of that as his or her “domain” and keeps the skill sharp, current and flexible. And, not incidentally, this requires versatility, not specialization.

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You’ve been in advertising five years too long if…

… you often find yourself in strange parts of the city in the small hours – stone cold sober.

… you’ve scaled a pipe/cupboard/conference room wall, with a piece of paper and scotch tape in your mouth – stone cold sober.

… you know that “wanted yesterday” really means yesterday. And you know how to work it so that it was delivered yesterday.

… you know that “spot uv” has nothing to do with light.

… you know that printers, scanners, projectors, lights, DVDs and CDs will not work at crucial moments.

… you know that impossible is really nothing, and you don’t see what’s wonderful about believing six of them before breakfast.

… you don’t wear a watch because all you need to know is what year it is, which is why you never leave home without a calendar.

… you wouldn’t panic if the whole world was at war and you were sealed in a fall-out shelter with a serial killer, a chainsaw and no food. This is because half your mind is automatically picking out good branding spots, scanning your client list for the best match and framing a rationale that contains the words “untapped”, “opportunity”, “exciting”, “potential” and “own the platform”. The other half is recording a possible chainsaw commercial, searching the archives to see if it’s been done before and thinking maybe also a serial killer theme kiosk in hardware stores.

… your mind is now automatically scanning your client list to find the best match for a theme kiosk in a hardware store.

… you’re reluctant to pay real money for anything until the very last minute, because somebody must surely know someone who can get you in on a sponsor pass.

… you always spend too much time and money in supermarkets because you’re highly susceptible to back-of-pack stories.

… you secretly harbour a forbidden attraction to your competition brands.

… you know what time the traffic lights go off and you’ve seen your newspaper man often enough to recognise him out of context, but you feel bad for people on night shifts – with no awareness of the irony.

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Filed under Journeys of the mind

It’s only words

Proactive is a four-letter word. We learn to pronounce it at the knee of the first creative director, to revere it in the train of the first creative guru. We learn to fear it in the wake of the first pitch, and hate it with a passion for the rest of our days.

Fuck, on the other hand, is a multiple choice question. (Occasionally, this may also be learnt at the knee of the first creative director.)

It is a tirade, an affirmation, a meditation. A calling upon of the Gods, a falling out of friends, a mustering of Samurais. A rant, a rave, a respite. A eulogy, a dismissal, a reservation of judgement. It can contain your anger or loose it, ruin your day or make it. Someone got fired, someone got promoted, someone got passed over yet again. The artwork’s ready against all odds. The layout’s ruined beyond repair. The account manager didn’t make it on time. The motorcycle messenger just made it. The art director’s car got towed, the MD’s got a new car, the media planner got pregnant. Fuck is our reason for being, quite literally. Within its hallowed syllables lies the history of our industry.

Fun is what clients have. Time is what nobody has. Red is the colour that everybody sees, unless it’s read misspelt, in which case it’s something nobody did. Self-respect is the thing that’s hanging outside the window to dry for seed.

“Why me?” is something you must never ask. It’s always you.

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There’s something about Ginseng

As with most people who go there, my first two years in Dubai were spent in giddy and relentlessly sociable excesses. Of all the binge temples that we favoured with our dubious custom, the one I think of most warmly is Ginseng.

I’ve never had a bad time there – whether casual evenings with close friends, unwieldy nights with too many friends of friends, misguided bonding events with colleagues or my best friend’s hen night, with all its potential for emotional disasters. I should try a New Year’s Eve there to see if the magic is strong enough to neutralise that minefield. The Irish Village has not done too badly in that respect, unlike Jimmy Dix or Double Decker – to name but two – that always turned out to be not such a good idea, any night of the year.

So many places came and went, some changed identities so fast, so many times, it made one’s head spin. Remarkably, in a city that changed almost hourly, Ginseng remained the same.

I made one last visit shortly before I left. It was nearly three years after the last one, since we moved on to the new and the trendy with everyone else. But I instantly felt myself regress, in the nicest way. The dumplings were as I remembered, the Caipirinha, divinely unchanged. Being older, more decrepit and marginally wiser, I didn’t attempt to mix it with shots of the Moon Goddess, but I’m sure that was still on the menu, ready to beguile newcomers into making inadvisable phone calls.

Boudoir taught us why free champagne was free. Zinc taught us how not to dance. Le Plage gave us important life lessons about absinthe. El Malecon made us respect the insidious Marguerita. Serai introduced us to the wondrous world of Arabic clubbing. But Ginseng forged friendships. These were the relationships that not only survived but strengthened through the disruptions of age, shifting priorities and job crises. This is a rare and wonderful thing in a transient gold-mining town.

And though we now savour red wine at the right temperature and prefer to team it with paté rather than spring rolls, the Moon Goddess still glows within us, not very far beneath the surface – yes, the relationships built there continue to flourish, even when we’re all in different countries.

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Where do old creatives go?

Seventeen years of work experience. It’s the sort of number that terrifies potential recruiters if you’re not applying for the job of a CEO or Executive Regional Something or Subject Matter Expert, emphatically capitalised.

In a non-directorial role, people look at you funnily and you feel like the ad for the Economist that goes ‘”I never read The Economist” – Management Trainee, aged 55”. When people ask me how long I’ve been advertising I’m tempted to say nine years, except I know that sooner or later I’ll run into someone chatty from Bangalore and it will emerge as surely as day from night that I was the graduating class of 94. Or that our National Creative Writer in India was a writer with me in my first job in the same year. Or that the Executive Creative Director in Dubai was my art director partner ten years ago. Or that I knew the Global Head of Planning when he was a management trainee.

The age-group also means that my “network” is like the mythical ideal we create to flatter the gullible in ads for platinum cards and golf clubs. It isn’t the slightest use to me because I don’t have platinum-card-wielding , golf-club-swinging ambitions, but it is one of the problems of being a copywriter aged 38 – you puzzle your colleagues, and freak out the headhunters.

I wonder why. An engineer, architect, doctor or teacher would not be required to enter management to show progress, so why should a writer? Just like all those other professions, it too is a specialist skill that gets better with experience, constantly expanding and upgrading. (And its value should increase with time, but that doesn’t work that way either.)

But let’s get back to the main question – there are only so many positions of Creative Director and only so many creative hotshops you can start, so where are the rest of my peers? Did I somehow miss some bus to the glue factory?

Or maybe I should just add the word “strategy” to my title – it seems to be the current catch-all.

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“What is the color of boredom?”

David Edelstein asks this urgent question in his review of Green Lantern. I was trawling Google for reviews of the movie because I was wondering why I left the theatre midway to just wander aimlessly around the mall until the others were done. It takes a lot to make me actually get up and leave on my own volition; actually I don’t think I’ve ever done it before. Also, this had all the elements I normally enjoy – magic paraphernalia, intergalactic intrigue, ancient powers, poetic pledges, alien lore, all things that go into fantasy sagas. And the space visual effects were really nice. There was the occasional good bit and I don’t even mind a two-dimensional kids’ movie. The problem was that this movie was not fully any of those. Worst of all, the storytelling seemed to be underscored by a strong note of apology for all the magical stuff. So I got very restless, very fast.

Maybe Green Lantern has always been such an over-the-top character and story that it should have left the pages of a comic book only as animation. Overall, I was more entertained by the reviews than the movie. It’s not all bad reviews, though. Plenty of people have liked it. I myself will definitely go to the sequel in spite of this first one. And I sincerely hope they’ll have some fun making it so it’ll be fun to watch!

“Taken as a piece of comedy, Green Lantern isn’t so bad — worth a chuckle, even.” Laremy Legel
“Cut to a plane chase, spastic flashbacks to Hal’s dad dying in a plane crash, then Hal moping around until he gets a super ring from the dying purple guy” Kofi Outlaw
“He’s got one of those superhero chins, but Reynolds’ Jordan never truly emerges as a heroic force.” Bob Grimm
“Use your powers wisely, Green Lantern. Turn down the role in the inevitable sequel, and swoop in to save romantic comedy.” Dana Stevens
“DC Comics’ real bite back is going to have to be next year’s The Dark Knight Rises because this lantern’s light is running on empty.” Ian Bunting
“A big, bright kids movie, a bruising action film, a tongue-in-cheek superhero adventure. They’re all in here, vying for your attention.” Luke Savage
“More science-fiction space opera than superhero epic, it works in fits and starts.” Kenneth Turan
“I am a Green Lantern fan, and I’m fairly sure that means I wasn’t the target audience for Green Lantern, the movie.” Trevor Snyder

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Filed under Journeys of the mind, Singapore, Train of thought

Marketing lessons from a charlatan

I’m sitting at a Moroccan restaurant in Singapore’s Kampong Glam area, tapping at my laptop, when a man’s voice says “You’re very lucky”. Elderly sardarjis automatically come across as respectable, so I didn’t freeze him out as I would normally have done to a random stranger. I just looked politely inquiring. My first and most important mistake.

He went smoothly into a quiet, grandfatherly recitation of all the good things that were coming to me in March. And such was the hypnotic quality of his respectability that he was soon sitting down opposite me and being offered tea, though I have no idea how. I did get a nice magic show in return, though. He gave me a folded piece of paper to hold on to, asked my birthday and favourite flower, and asked me to unfold the paper in my hand… my birthday and flower were written on it. That was fun. Having proved his worth, he got down to business, telling me he would give me something to keep in my wallet to bring me luck. This thing would cost me 150 dollars. I told him that a) I didn’t want the thing to keep in my wallet, b) I was unemployed and c) it had been fun but it was time to move on. But I did give him five bucks, and he must have counted his time well spent since he gave me the thing for my wallet anyway.

Marketing lessons from this:
Good packaging can lead to suspension of disbelief, gimmicks can keep your customer engaged, but if you want them to open their wallets, you need to be priced right.

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Well done, Westin Tokyo!

Several months ago, a friend blogged about the baffling twelve o’clock check-in that hotels still swear by, even though travellers now tend to arrive and depart either early morning or late evening. He happened to mention the Westin, Tokyo, since that had been his latest stop. It was not a complaint about the Westin, merely an example to illustrate his main point that concerned all hotels. It was a very good point. But the highlight of that post is the first comment it received: the e-Business Coordinator of the Westin left a detailed reply to the post, complete with email address.

The Westin thanked the blogger for his feedback, acknowledged the fairness of his points and assured him that they would “look into ways, to deliver flexible check-in and check-out times… recognizing this significant need”. They also apologized for the inconvenience he experienced and invited him back.

Click on this link and read it – it’s the best example of corporate response I’ve seen. Timely, sincere and truly customer-focused.

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Sermons in stones etc etc

I’ve been blogging since 2004. I’ve written 65,000 words – crafted, edited, proofed, publishable words, not rough drafts.

When I first realized that, I felt greatly bowed down by the wastefulness of it: if I’d invested those words in a book, I would have been halfway through my second one by now. Blogs are nothingness, I thought. I might as well have spent hundreds of hours writing on sand, I self-flagellated. And, true to character, dealt with it by sticking my head in said sand and ignoring the blog altogether as if it was all Blogger’s fault.

Then I started a new project full of excitingly cutting-edge bits and wondrous new concepts.

It was terrifying news to me that my role included a vital part of website building called “taxonomy”, but it turned out I already understood the importance of categorizing your posts and cross-referencing them religiously.

And it took an hour of silently frantic research to work out what “legacy issues” referred to, but I already knew from experience that having to go back and re-do categories created without too much thought is a nightmare.

I’d never quite grasped the term “search-engine optimization” but I’d already figured out some of the mysterious ways in which Google works – for example, the greater the gap between my posting dates, the lower down I am on the list of Google hits. I’d even made my own private three Rs of Google: Repetition, Relevance, Regularity. The foundation of SEO, as it happens.

When I had to invent content guidelines, I needed no research to know what 500 words looks like in practical, online terms, how much time it takes the average person to get through them and how abysmal the chances of anyone under 25 doing so.

When people use terms like “tracker”, “data” or “stats”, there’s no need for me to glaze over and play dead. I’ve been doing user analysis for three years, with the deep, disciplined concentration that only vanity can inspire.

I take critical looks at less popular posts. And the wildly popular ones, for that matter. I keep a green eye on the competition – and I do think of them as such. What I called “the flitters” (people who alight on your site and take off immediately) is professionally called a “bounce rate”. Over time, I’ve even understood that my readers are of different kinds and have tried to cater to each group in rotation. This is the basis of “content customization”.

And I found and installed that data counter myself, voluntarily. I thought of setting up alerts to “monitor the conversation” all by myself, though I put it a bit differently. My blog may have started as a useless “dear diary”, but it grew into my own little enterprise, with the attendant learning curve.

In case you didn’t get it, what I‘m saying in (the inadvisable) 500 words is: I’m back!

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